you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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