During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
