Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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