I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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