At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
