I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
