THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
