If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
