Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
