I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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