how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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