Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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