I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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