new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize