it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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