Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
