singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
