there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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