I could make wine with my vomit
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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