Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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