i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
