a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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