i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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