Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
