I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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