great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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