i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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