I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
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