I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We were destined to go to rehab together
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
