Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
