How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize