I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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