I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
