I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
