come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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