i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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