What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
