Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
