I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize