there's paper in my vomit.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
