So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
