I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
