You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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