So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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