3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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