Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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