you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
