____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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