omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
