the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
