Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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