Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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