I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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