you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
