how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize