I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
