okay pat passed out under dana's car
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
