my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
